What the Dilliad?
by Ziltron
Summary: The Epic Dilliad, written by the Illiterate Poet Cranas. A tale of the mighty struggle between the lands of Clanius and Dul.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer of Pretentious Joy:  
"We know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. For even if there   
are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us   
there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ,   
through whom are all things, and through whom we live." – 1 Corinthians 8:4-6  
Everything written here is mine. MINE MINE MINE! Except for the things that aren't.  
===============================================================  
  
  
WHAT THE DILLIAD?  
An Epic Poem  
By the Illiterate Poet Cranas  
Translated by Ziltron Djindjic  
Published by Fumeiryo Kekka Productions  
  
  
Book One  
  
Oh, Avril, Queen of the Muses,  
Sing to me of the grand battle  
That did take place on the plains of Dul  
Where the Just King Ramavis  
And the Redoubtable Terawiz fought  
Details at eleven  
  
This is the tale of the Dullian's and the Clanian's great battle on the plains of the land of   
Dul. The battle had raged like a fire, leaving the plains covered in the blood (and lesser bodily   
fluids) of many a great hero. This ancient feud between two great nations would soon draw to   
an end, as the forces of Clanius swept over the plains of Dul like a big sweeping thingie. King   
Ramavis the Grand and Redoubtable Terawiz had finally sought each other out in the middle of   
the battle and begun an epic struggle. I, Cranas, the illiterate poet, wrote of it:  
  
Sudngfekiuhdjfnlgmkhsoidngkjh  
Oledhsoirntfsokdj igosihroeh  
Gienglkinod weo eionad  
I irhodinf oifudor oiesoiheoeijh  
  
And then my wife, Quixen of the flabby arms reminded me that I couldn't write.   
  
This would be a portent of things to come.  
  
Ramavis flung his massive spear (hewn from an oak tree in his homeland, Clanius) at the   
Redoubtable Terawiz. Terawiz, seeing its flight, moved slightly to the left and avoided it. Then   
Terawiz lifted such a rock as could not be lifted by ten strong men of today and hurled it about   
five inches.  
  
"Ha!" cried Ramaviz; "Your rock has flown a mere five inches! Soon your blood and   
lesser bodily fluids will water the ground like the rains sent by the rain goddess Ni when she has   
a bad cold!"  
  
"Ramavis," said Terawiz, "Do not think that you will live to return to your home in the   
great forests of Clanius. This very day, Lord Bey of the Land of Bey shall aid me in glorious   
battle. For he is one of the great, high gods who do not abandon those that burn the thighs, hips,   
and buttocks of steel in the honor of the gods!" and then he drew his glittering bronze sword   
from its polyester sheath and charged Ramavis, crying his effeminate war-cry.  
  
Meanwhile the gods, in their lofty home of Disneyland, were sharply divided as to the   
outcome of the fight. Metro, Lord of the underworld turned to Walter, Big Papa of the gods,   
and said "Wassup?"  
  
Walter turned his Disnipian head towards Metro and said "Shut up, you inferior deity."   
Metro, however, had not finished having his say.  
  
"Walter," said Metro, "What the **** is up with you, man? Check it. Not only did you   
set King Ramaviz (who indeed is a real true playa) against the Redoubtable Terawiz, causing   
their 'hoods a mess of trouble, but now you're dissin' me? What the **** is up with you, punk   
*** *****?"  
  
"Thank you, Asteris, " said Walter "were it not for you, the great god of Asterisks,   
Metro's foul mouth would have offended us all."  
  
Asteris said nothing. It was his job.  
  
Walter, the King of the gods, rose from his seat in high Disneyland and addressed the   
many deities.  
  
"I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here today," said Walter, with a   
chuckle. The joke got a few forced laughs from Butkiz, god of brown-nosers. "The fact is, you   
all think that I'm a big jerk for causing the land of Dul and the land of Clanius to go to war."  
  
"REDRUM!" interrupted Carrottopious, god of bad timing and lame jokes. He was   
straightway smacked in the back of the head by several of the gods.  
  
"Father Walter," said Ni (the beautiful, yet chronically ill goddess of rain and other forms   
of liquid that fall from the sky), "I don't *ACHUU! * question your starting the war, but I don't   
understand *WATCHOO! * why you have sided with *SNIFFLE* Lord Bey. I thought that   
the Clanians had your *ACHUU! * favor."  
  
Disnipian Walter sighed. "It is true that the Clanians have long been favored by we gods   
of Disneyland. But Ramavis has forgot the source of his power. For where do men get strength   
from if not us?"  
  
"Indeed," said Eyearess (god of accountants, taxes, and thinning hair), "He has been   
tardy paying his income taxes of late. He also has incorrectly filed as Jointly Co-owning Double   
when he is indeed Singly Harem Doubly Re-Owning. That silly goose."  
  
"GOOSE! HONK HONK HONK! DIAL DOWN THE CENTER, SILLY GOOSE!" cried   
all-annoying Carrottopious, right before being shot wit' a glock by Metro.  
  
Walter of the Sable Locks frowned. He thought he had already cast Carrottopious down into   
Tartarus, the underworld of eternal punishment for gods (and the source of all fish sauces). No   
matter, there was always later.  
  
"The truth of the matter is," said Avril of the improperly tied tie, "Walter got into a drinking game   
with Lord Bey, god of Intoxication. If Walter won, he would receive a stein forged in the heart   
of Mount Doom. If Lord Bey won, then he would get to destroy King Ramavis, who dealt him   
a fatal insult at last year's banquet of the gods."  
  
"What exactly *SNIFFLE* did he *WACHUU! * do?" said Ni.  
  
"I believe he refused to obey Lord Bey's (who was quite a bit sauced at the time) command to   
'get up on the table and shake his groove thang'."  
  
Ni just nodded. The shaking of groove thangs was strictly forbidden by the Clainian's Code of   
Honor.  
  
ACTUAL EXCERPT FROM THE CLANIAN CODE OF HONOR:  
  
Rule #398 - On the Shaking of Groove Thangs:  
Don't even think about it.  
  
Walter rose with a shout, but he told it to sit back down. "Slander!" he cried, "You cannot   
prove that Lord Bey drank me under the table!"  
  
Camcordious, goddess of embarrassing home movies, coughed. Walter blushed and sat back   
down.  
  
"Anyway," said Walter, "The point is that my fierce wrath has been turned against the Clanians,   
and any god or goddess who wishes to disagree with me can jump off the Eternal Bridge of   
Chandias." And then he crossed his arms and sulked.  
  
  
End Chapter One.  
  
--------------------------  
  
ON CRANAS, THE ILLITERATE POET:  
And thus the first chapter of the greatest imaginary epic written in Zulu concludes. No one knows why   
Cranas the Illiterate first took up writing poetry. Actually, he never physically wrote down a single line of   
verse (it was recorded by more literate individuals). He was one of the great oral poets, who spoke   
their poems rather than write them. A contemporary of Homer, his style is most often compared to, in   
the words of Harvard's leading expert on imaginary languages, "freestyle gangsta rap". Ancient   
manuscripts record him as saying that he originally got into Oral Poetry "for the money".   
  
None of his original LP's or 8 tracks are available in stores, but copies of his works are still available   
thanks to Kazaa.  
  
  
OBSCURE REFERENCES:  
1. Tartarus, the underworld of eternal punishment for gods (and the source of all fish sauces): When   
Zeus rebelled against the Titans, he threw them down to Tartarus, a place of darkness in the heart of the   
earth.  
  
Everything else should be based on General American knowledge (seeing as that's what I've got).   
  
  
INTERESTING NOTE ON THE LORE OF THE DILLIAD:  
1. Chandias: The Eternal Bridge of Chandias stretches across the heavens. It is the   
location of the ancient struggle between Walter and the people of great height. Also   
known as "The Interstate of the gods".  
2. Haybaybee: Also known as "Death's subway". The underworld for humans and other   
bipedal sentient mortals.  
  
  
"What the Dilliad?" was originally conceived as an English project. So, my first thanks go to my English   
Teacher (who at this point has no idea what I'm doing). Second shout-out goes to K.A. Rose for being   
K.A. Rose (check out Startrail at www.lunaseer.com). Thirdly, I'd like to thank the Apostle Paul for   
the great disclaimer that appears at the beginning of this story. Finally, major thanks go to Sake', honey-  
roasted peanuts, glass, and my stuffed cabbit.  
  
If anyone knows how to get html to work on fanfiction.net and is willing to share that knowledge with   
me, I would be eternally grateful…  
  
POST TENEBRAS LUX 


	2. People Die

Disclaimer of Pretentious Joy:  
  
"We know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us there is one God,  
the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus  
Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live." - 1  
Corinthians 8:4-6  
  
Everything written here is mine. MINE MINE MINE! Except for the things that  
aren't. ===============================================================  
  
WHAT THE DILLIAD?  
An Epic Poem  
By the Illiterate Poet Cranas  
Translated by Ziltron Djindjic  
Published by Fumeiryo Kekka Productions  
  
Book Two  
  
Fierce bronze met with  
Fierce plastic on the plains of Dul  
Blood shed fiercely  
Cruel death has its sway  
Eminem wins an Academy Award  
The gods have forsaken us  
  
Terawiz, son of Oz, brought his gleaming bronze sword down on  
the shield of King Ramavis, scoring a hit on the center. However, it  
only pierced the first layer of gold, the second of tin, and the third  
of argyle. Ramavis, wise Ramavis! Your foresight now served you well,  
for the fourth layer of fruitcake now saved you from doom!  
  
Now it was Ramavis's turn to strike. His sword struck the side  
of the son of Oz's helmet, but its fierce plastic edge was turned back  
by his bronze. The Disnipian warriors fell back to reassess the  
situation.  
  
"Foolish Terawiz!" cried Ramavis, "Your bronze sword has met its  
match at my fruitcake! Surely this day you shall fall into the  
clutches of Black Death!"  
  
"Ramavis, be you blind? For surely only a blind man could fail  
to see that your blade of plastic will never injure me! This hour you  
will look into the eyes of aquamarine death!" cried observant Terawiz.  
  
The ever-vigilant Ramavis considered this. Then he yelled "YOUR  
MOM!" and charged at Redoubtable Terawiz with his shining plastic  
blade. Terawiz stood there and impassively withstood the blows that  
fell upon his head, shoulders, knees, and toes; knees and toes. Then  
Invincible Ramavis punched him in the stomach.  
  
Terawiz fell to the ground, clutching his spleen and screaming  
like a yak in distress. Ramavis stood over him; about to strike the  
finishing blow, when suddenly, all-annoying Carrottopious appeared in  
the form of the Backstreet Boys. Seeing this even greater foe, Ramavis  
forgot about Terawiz and charged Carrottopious, unaware he was about  
to fight a god (albeit an annoying one).  
  
Terawiz lay on the ground clutching his stomach, when Lord Bey  
appeared by his side.  
  
"Royal-blooded Terawish! Do not quit the glorioush (if sticky)  
field of battl'! Wal'er, King of the godsh, hash delivered Ramavish  
into your handsh!" the noble-blooded Lord of the Drink said.  
  
"Gurgle!" said Terawiz the Redoubtable. Lord Bey kicked him and  
then wandered off singing an Irish pub medley.  
  
Meanwhile, Ramavis was chasing Carrottopious (Remember? There  
will be a quiz later), who had taken the form of the Backstreet Boys.  
Long did he vainly chase the god of annoyances, far across the verdant  
plain. While he chased Carrottopious, he killed some minor characters:  
tell me Avril, who was the first to fall? The first to fall was Dyer,  
son of Walter and a random shepherdess. Ramavis ran him through,  
slightly above the right nipple, with his mighty spear. Cornflower  
blue night descended on his eyes. Next King Ramavis gave Bagrious (son  
of Walter and a random shepherdess) a nasty bone bruise on the left  
shin with a mighty kick. Bagrious clutched his shin and hopped up and  
down, screaming obscenities.  
  
"****! ****** ******! Why the ******* **** did you do that, you  
stupid ****!" he cried, but Asteris spared us the gory details.  
  
Bagrious then died of completely unrelated natural causes. His  
soul left his body with a yodel and descended to Death's Subway.  
Still, Ramavis' fury was unabated. He struck down Scott Stapp (one of  
the few sons of two completely normal people on the battlefield) with  
his blade of shining plastic. Scott descended into his own prison.  
Next he shot Senatorian (son of a nymph and a satyr, but he's okay  
with that now) in the back with Glockious, 9mm of the gods (a gift  
from Metro).  
  
Carrottopious saw the great slaughter that Ramavis was wreaking  
on the forces of Dul, so he now dropped his disguise.  
  
"RAMAVIS, YOU SILLY GOOSE! SURELY YOU HAVE NOT DIALED DOWN THE  
CENTER OF THE BATTLE, FOR I HAVE DECIEVED YOU! I AM NOT THE BACKSTREET  
BOYS, BUT MIGHTY CARROTTOPIOUS.OUCH." for Ramavis had dealt mighty  
justice with Glockious. As Carrottopious gathered his internal organs,  
Ramavis turned his attention once more to Terawiz.  
  
End Chapter Two.  
  
--------------------------  
  
SOMETHING ODD:  
Has anyone else noticed that almost every single fanfic based on Homer started out as an English project? I guess that proves what high school students have been contending for years: that almost nobody would read Homer if they are not being held at gunpoint. Personally, I read the Iliad for the same reason I watched Little Bow Wow's acting debut "Like Mike": masochism. Sheer masochism. Well, that, and I also feared that I was somehow "missing out" on the great stories that made Western civilization what it is today. After reading the Iliad and the Odyssey, I must say that I truly enjoyed the words of a bunch of dead Greek guys. More than I enjoyed "Like Mike", at any rate.  
  
INTERESTING NOTE ON THE LORE OF THE DILLIAD: When I began writing the Dilliad, I though "Iliad" was spelled "Illiad". Which shows how much I'm respecting the source text. The entire story is already written. I'm just working on the end notes and re-editing. I got an "A" on the English project.  
  
Well, that does it for Chapter Two. It's a lot shorter than Chapter One. Yup. Yup. Uh-huh. Sure is.  
  
*Cough*  
  
I now have a website: www.ziltron.virtue.nu/main.html. It's not much, but it's mine. Thanks go to my parents for not feeding me to wolves at a young age. Thanks also to Cross Lanes Christian School, for being crazy Baptist. If it wasn't for you guys, I might never have known why I was a Presbyterian. Now I'm graduating. I will truly miss arguing over whether or not a style of music could be evil.  
  
POST TENEBRAS LUX 


	3. What, what?

Disclaimer of Pretentious Joy: "We know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us there is one God,  
the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus  
Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live." - 1  
Corinthians 8:4-6 ===============================================================  
  
WHAT THE DILLIAD?  
An Epic Poem  
By the Illiterate Poet Cranas  
Translated by Ziltron Djindjic  
Published by Fumeiryo Kekka Productions  
  
Book Three  
  
The happy gods do not fear Death  
That is for we mortal men  
Soon, we all fall to the blade  
Or grow old and die  
But if the gods fear not Death  
What thing shakes those mighty deities?  
A "Fleetwood Mac" reunion tour  
  
The sun beat down hot and heavy upon the battlefield. A long and  
desperate battle had been waged that day. In vain did the fierce noble-  
blooded warriors look for relief from the sweltering heat, but the  
day's work was not yet done. Still, even though they were hell bent on  
killing each other, the mighty forces of Clanius and the invincible  
army of Dul could agree to take a lunch break.  
  
Redoubtable Terawiz sat on a stump, eating a banana and shooting  
dirty looks at Ramavis (whose mother had packed him extra Jell-O  
pudding). Polynices, second cousin of Terawiz, spoke with Eteocles,  
son of Granola (goddess of environmentalism) and Peter Jennings, about  
the day's prospects.  
  
"Many of the men speak of abandoning the field during the lunch  
break," said all-destroying Eteocles.  
  
"Men say many such foolish things," retorted Polynices, "I mean,  
have you ever read The Watchtower?"  
  
"Indeed," said Eteocles, "I found the Home and Garden section to  
be quite informative."  
  
Terawiz, survivor of a thousand papercuts, lifted his head with  
a mighty effeminate war cry. Every man on the field of battle heard it  
echo with all the rage and hate of a thousand lepers.  
  
"You spineless fellows!" he roared, "How can you even consider  
such a thing? Have you not stood by me as we fought the fierce  
Amazons, who make men feel really guilty by lecturing them on Women's  
Rights? And did you not look straight into the acne-ridden face of  
Death as we brought down the three beasts that raided our villages  
night after night? Even then, you, Polynices flayed Isaac Hanson,  
while Eteocles smote Zac Hanson, while I sent Taylor Hanson down into  
the halls of Haybaybee."  
  
"We were just talking, Terawiz! No need to wet your sprocket,"  
mumbled Eteocles.  
  
Terawiz gave him a sharp look, but Eteocles already had one.  
  
"Listen, all of you Dullian warriors!" cried Terawiz, "For Lord  
Bey, god of the Sacred Keg, appeared to me in a dream and told me that  
Walter had given King Ramavis into my hands!"  
  
"But last year he told you to invest everything you own in tech  
stocks," piped up Eteocles.  
  
Terawiz ran him through with a toothpick.  
  
"TO ARMS!" he cried, leading the Dullian warriors in a massive  
attack on the Clanian lines (who were still finishing off dessert).  
The Clanian warriors were taken by surprise, because no army had ever  
yet violated the sacred Lunch Break, mandated by Walter himself (who  
was an avid fan of deli meats). Chaos ensued as the men of Dul truly  
got their whup on. Clanian blood flowed freely as Death tangoed from  
dying form to still-living-but-on-its-way-out from. People who had put  
down money on the Clanians felt really stupid, but King Ramavis had  
not yet had his say.  
  
"Terawiz, you cowardly liver-less sea monkey! How dare you  
violate the sacred Lunch Break that the happy gods have given to all  
men, rich or poor? I warn you, Walter will not suffer this insult!  
What sacred law will you defy next, Casual Friday?" and then he  
charged the Dullian forces with the rage of a scorned pizza-man.  
  
The first to fall to his glock was Creon, one of the lesser-  
known Beegees. Next, he wasted Mary Kate and Ashley, sons of the cross-  
dressing god Notstraight and a random shepherdess. Noble hero after  
noble hero fell to the fierce wrath of his 9mm. The warrior formerly  
known as "Prince" shot an arrow at Ramavis, hoping to bring him down,  
but it was in vain. The arrow fell to the earth, hungry for the flesh  
it had been denied (later it hit a McDonalds). Ramavis then capped him  
directly in the belly button, spraying his armor bearer with a  
substance about the consistency of Progresso soup.  
  
Terawiz then took his turn against Ramavis. Once again, these  
two noble figures faced each other, faces splattered with gore and  
unfinished lunchmeats. Terawiz looked at Ramavis. Ramavis glared at  
Terawiz. Terawiz stuck his tongue out at Ramavis. Ramavis rolled his  
eyes up into the back of his head at Terawiz. Terawiz stuck his  
fingers up his nose. Ramavis did the hokey-pokey, turning himself  
completely about.  
  
Little did they realize the next chapter was about to start.  
  
End Chapter Three.  
  
--------------------------  
  
GEE, THAT WAS FAIRLY SHORT:  
Yes, yes it was. But what can I say? This story has short chapters.  
  
SHOUT-OUTS:  
Stephen Schelling, Jon Roberts, and Sammy D. You guys rock in a purely platonic way. 


	4. Things Go Downhill

Disclaimer of Pretentious Joy: "We know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. For even if there are so- called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live." - 1 Corinthians 8:4-6  
  
WHAT THE DILLIAD?  
  
An Epic Poem  
  
By the Illiterate Poet Cranas  
  
Translated by Ziltron Djindjic  
  
Published by Fumeiryo Kekka Productions  
  
Book Four  
  
Redoubtable Terawiz, a lament!  
  
For you thought victory was assured  
  
But little did you suspect  
  
Your advocate and god,  
  
Lord Bey the Intoxicated,  
  
Had a hangover  
  
"Ramavis," said Terawiz, "Why do you hide behind the formidable  
Glockious, formidable though he may be? Will you not face me now like  
a man, or will you hide behind your gun like a craven dog?"  
  
"Terawiz," said Ramavis, "The only craven dog that will be on  
this field of battle will be you!" And he dropped his gun and drew his  
blade of plastic.  
  
The two god-like heroes fell upon each other time after time,  
blades singing a bloody tune. The bronze could not throw down the  
plastic, and the plastic could not throw down the bronze. They spun  
and whirled in a mortal waltz. Then they square danced, followed by a  
quick freestyle dance competition. Terawiz did his rendition of "The  
Robot", while Ramavis did a more break-dancing inspired set of moves.  
  
Feet flew in furious dance competition that would make Michael  
Jackson blush. Every conceivable combination of hip gyrating, arm  
flailing, and leg moves was tried. But neither warrior could find a  
routine that would send his opponent packing. The day wore on, hours  
on end. Both armies stood in enraptured awe at the sheer physical  
prowess required. But then, Terawiz made his fatal mistake:  
  
He shook his groove thang.  
  
Infuriated by this breach of the Clanian Code of Conduct (which  
was, incidentally, a lot less restrictive than Bob Jones  
University's), Ramavis, forgetting that the fight had turned into a  
dance battle, plunged his sword of plastic straight through the lower  
intestine of Terawiz.  
  
"Shoot!" cried Ramavis, "I didn't know that my sword could do  
that!"  
  
"Well, crap," wailed Terawiz, right before plunging face forward  
into the earth.  
  
"Minus two points, my foe, minus two points," said King Ramavis,  
his face aglow in triumph.  
  
The Clanian forces got new ferocity from their great victory.  
The Dullians could not stand without their noble leader. They were  
chased in an all-out rout all the way back to their walled cities. The  
women and the children of the cities cried in mourning, for they knew  
that soon the city would be burned to rubble, their children made  
slaves, and the new carpet all mucked up.  
  
An eerie silence settled over the battlefield as King Ramavis  
marched to the front of his army. Some say that he meant to give  
leniency to the Dullian forces, for his quarrel was only with Terawiz.  
Some say that the Dullians would still be a free and proud people to  
this very day. But as Ramavis raised his arms to address his men, a  
terrible thing happened.  
  
Ramavis stood ready to speak with his mouth open, head tilted  
back to the heavens to ask for the blessing of Walter.  
  
Some fool, sitting inside the city wall, hocked a lugie right  
over the wall.  
  
Put two and two together.  
  
Ramavis, gagged, spat, and cried out, "KILL EM ALL!"  
  
End Book Four.  
  
--------------------------  
  
NOT MUCH TO SAY AT THIS POINT:  
  
And it just gets worse.  
  
POST TENEBRAS LUX 


	5. The Bitter End

Disclaimer of Pretentious Joy: "We know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. For even if there are so- called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live." - 1 Corinthians 8:4-6  
  
WHAT THE DILLIAD?  
  
An Epic Poem  
  
By the Illiterate Poet Cranas  
  
Translated by Ziltron Djindjic  
  
Published by Fumeiryo Kekka Productions  
  
Book Five  
  
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want  
  
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want  
  
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want  
  
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want  
  
I want a, I want a, I want a, I want a  
  
I really, really want a zig-a-zig-ah  
  
The Clanians pillaged. The Clanians burned. "Very good, men," said Ramavis, "you finally remembered to pillage before you burned. Nobody wants a repeat of what happened last year."  
  
The happy gods of Disneyland looked down at the desolation wrought on the earth. Lord Bey would have been yelling his head off over losing the battle promised to him by Walter, but he had already lost his head to a bad bottle of Tequila.  
  
"But Father," said Ni, "What *ACHOO!* was the point *WACHOO!* of that whole battle?"  
  
"Yeah," said Metro, "What the **** are you thinkin', going back on your word like 'dat? What kind of a deity are you, punk? Word."  
  
Walter stood to address them with words of compassion and wisdom.  
  
"POOPYPOOPYPOOPYPOOPY POOP!!" cried Carrottopious.  
  
Walter looked at the other gods. He looked at Carrpttopious. He said "If I throw him into Tartarus, can we forget that this whole sorry incident ever took place?"  
  
And there was much rejoicing in Disneyland.  
  
End Book Five.  
  
--------------------------  
  
WHERE ARE THEY NOW:  
  
Walter (Big Papa of the gods): Walter has wisely decided to hold onto his job as King of the gods, but he has a side-project going with some other major dieties. "It's very experimental stuff," he told us in an exclusive interview, "We're making a universe entirely devoid of rubber. Imagine it! No rubber!"  
  
Lord Bey (Sober god of Intoxication): Lord Bey's current position is listed as "hunched up in the corner with a bottle of rum and a Chinese hooker."  
  
Metro (Ruler of the underworld and god of real true playas): Metro's new rap album will be hitting stores within a month. A follow-up to such hit albums as Hey, I'm the god of Death and The Death's Subway LP, it will include the hit single Dizzle Bizzle, My Nizzle.  
  
Asteris (Silent god of asterisks and other forms of censorship): ** elusive ****, Asteris *** *** available ***for comment. **** all over ****, ***** * *** *** ham sandwich.  
  
All the humans have died and gone to the underworld. That's the problem with Greek mythology, everyone just dies and goes to hell. What's with that?  
  
I really hate the text formatting options on fanfiction.net because I'm too lazy to figure it out on my own. Come to www.ziltron.virtue.nu to see the story in its properly formatted glory.  
  
POST TENEBRAS LUX 


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